little boy blue

I remembered that last night in New York City
the little Italian bistro in the lower east side
wedged between the coffeehouse
and the lesbian sex toy shop
where you talked me into ordering a goat cheese panini
(the bistro, not the sex shop)
even though I was a strict vegan at the time

i was never a strict anything around you
...you always crushed my resolutions with vices
like jack daniels, camel lights,
hot chocolate, mango smoothies
your hands

... and all that before I even realized
I was hiding behind fake hotel
lobby shrubbery... poorly
caught easily
and i pretended I was looking
for my supposedly ringing cell phone
damned the supposedly missed call
awkwardly stumbled into your
waiting arms
pulled away before your hand
could settle into the familiar
groove
in my back
before you could pull away first.

And a year and a half of almost
hanging up first floods back to me
with the almost regrets of hanging on
for just five minutes more than I know
I should
just to file away five minutes more
of your voice in my ear
and the kicking myself
for letting you win again
and what was your prize?

i imagine my dignity in a box
with a bow

but it's been a long time
since those late night/early morning drives
listening to the morning traffic report
as I shut off my car and climbed
three flights to an empty 5am
bed
it's been a long time since we ate
lychees and peaches
and our mouths and fingers
shared the juice
over black and white films
and strawberry sweet hookah smoke
it's been a long time since you
called me when you didn't need anything
except me

I've got a strong heart
but I been thinking about that
box of dignity
resolved to keep it safe
I told you to mark it fragile
and send it back to me
and decided to be strict
with myself for once.

but I have never been strict
anything around you.
I think I could give up those
camel lights, maybe even chocolate
you like it more than me anyway
I may even be able to do away
with my morning coffee
but baby you're like
nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, serotonin
and crack
all rolled into one beautiful
mirage
and all i see is those blue
pools
and your nose that always
gets in the way
when I want to press my mouth
against yours

and I have a feeling I'm going
to be smoking a lot
this weekend.