kind of sort of maybe almost sex

My first time almost wasn't
kind of didn't happen actually...
or... I don't remember how it ended.

I remember how it began-
'80s cartoon movie, vegan chili, video games
and a futon

Friends passing in and out of the room
with an increasing frequency
that coincided with our decreasing modesty
so that eventually
those friends were passing
video game controllers over our
entangled bodies.

and then there were three

his best friend asking him
"is this weird?" and after the
"kind of"
they silently agreed to avoid
each other's mouths and
focus on the girl...
pressing lips to my neck, my tongue
my... nevermind
the point is:

I've had sex.

But boy, we were never about that
Ok, we were kind of about that
but it wasn't the same thing.
You were never supposed to be
one of them.

I never felt more sexy than
in bed next to you fully clothed
cradled the moments like
nursing a baby-
slow and gentle
fingers on spine, inside of arm
back of neck
toes up and down legs
wedged into the socks
you forgot to take off
and pressed our feet together
like palms
traced the inside of your hand
with my fingers
as patient as I had to be for you
to work up the confidence
to close your fingers over them
stole kisses like I couldn't afford them

surprised when you tried to match funds
happily

rode that train like I didn't have to go
to work the next day.
And no, that's not a metaphor for sex

we were only kind of about that.