if seatbelts were enough

this is a messy, messy first draft. yesterday was my baby sister's 17th birthday, and for some reason I could not get this conversation we had a long time ago out of my head. but there's a lot of things that i want this piece to convey that it just doesn't, so it needs a lot of tweaking. i'm trying to capture the idea that i don't know if i'm more unprepared for being a mother or being an aunt whose niece's mother is 16, and how unprepared i am to deal with the changing dynamic of that relationship as she grows into adulthood and 7 years becomes less of a distance all the time. especially since at one point, i seriously considered how it would affect my life for her to come live with me... so i guess that's a lot. but i'm pretty crafty. i can even sew.


i'm driving down park ave
and i notice she's not wearing her seatbelt

again

i gently pull the car to the side of the road
directional and all
because i have to set a good example

she knows this drill
but we repeat it anyway
and as i pull back into
traffic
we still haven't exchanged
words
just my silence
her pout

"em"
i say
mustering my best
older sister, wiser adult
voice
"there are just some things
you do to protect yourself."

"like not having sex without a condom"

my foot hits the brake
no- gas
so fast
we almost crash

thank g-d i made her put her seatbelt on

"exactly"

is all i can say
because that's
exactly
what i meant
and I don't know how she knows

and it scares the hell out of me
that the baby i practiced on
held like she was my own
isn't a baby anymore

and i cling to that role model
self in the rear-view
try to make sure my eyes
don't show her the
ept tests under the sink
the cross hatch marks
on the calendar

because i am the good example
i am the big sister

and i'm not supposed to do the things
i said i'd never do

not supposed to do the things i tell
her not to

i am the good example

and i always thought i'd be the aunt first