now what?

I had everything figured out but
Now what?

3 weeks ago the world was spinning
Slightly tilted on its axis
The way it’s supposed to be
But
Now what?

Between me and the horizon of
Unknowns
Clearly visible was the next two
Years:
Perfect job
Great apartment
Nice car
And two years away
From a certificate that says
I’m two years away from
Being Dr. Powers
But now what?

the extra pounds that
Troubled me in my childhood
Were melting away
Like the butter I no longer
Eat
And a beautiful man wanted to
Share my bed and my
Ideas
But now what?

Now what?
Now
I want to eat chocolate because
My car just blew a tire
At the crossroads
And I can’t get back to my apartment
Where the locks have been changed
And I have to hide a key behind a shovel
Because I don’t have time to have a copy made
Because the perfect job’s not so perfect anymore
And I don’t make enough money to pay for
The pretty certificate that says
I am a master

And I don’t even feel like the master
Of my own destiny since
You walked away from me
And made me question my
Stability
Like, girl,
What do you really want to be?

And three weeks ago I could
Have told you
With a certainty
But I don’t even remember
Being that version of me
So now all I can do
Is repeat the question back to you
Stumbling over the words
Because they don’t make any sense
And my whole life feels like
One big mess
Like my bedroom
Another problem
that I don’t even have to time
address
And this cycle of over thinking and under doing
Just adds to the stress

So now what?

It is amazing how one week can build
So many bricks on top
Of you
That you can’t even imagine
the sunshine anymore
and you can feel
the mortar seeping in
between the cracks
of the moonlight

sealing out the oxygen
that once mingled
with hand holding, laughing, sharing, reading, writing, loving, learning, LIVING
so that you can feel less and less
breath coming in each time
your chest expands
and contracts
but with the little air
you can muster you
resolve to come up with a solution
asking yourself
as you push your backs
against the bricks

Now What?