garland of men i probably shouldn't have kissed

I don't have a title for this garland yet, nor do I really think I'm going to do anything with it. But it was a good exercise.

1
Sometimes the moon can intoxicate me
but on that night, I think it was the beer-
pulled down my defenses and killed the fear.
We started in a circle under a tree

but that moment, it was just you and me.
The others in the room I didn't hear.
You were my biggest wish my thirteenth year.
I kept my eyes open so that I could see.

Wanted to ask you to "be my boyfriend."
Now, I still remember your phone number
but the space between each call grew more, so
we lost touch after our eigth grade year's end.
Lost my chance, couldn't feel any dumber.
I don't ask for a reprieve, I just go.

2
I don't ask for a reprieve, I just go.
I did not mean to break your heart though I
noticed it took a whole lot just to try.
When you kissed me goodbye, I just felt low.

Your biggest joy was being my "beau."
Took two months to ask me out, you were shy
and afraid I wanted another guy.
You were patient and let me take things slow.

My father, he loved you like his own son
(but not a son-in-law). We were 15
So our parents just let the "race thing" go
sure that, so young, we hadn't found "the one."
That wasn't why I left, I still feel mean,
crawling out of my skin sometimes, you know.

3
Crawling out of my skin sometimes, you know-
that's how I felt when I was around you.
Yes, sure, at 16, that my love was true
but still always afraid to let it show.

You'd play games like "push her down in the snow."
Then there was that time when I threw my shoe.
Never got serious with me and you
You thought it was funny to call me a hoe.

I pretended that we could be an us,
something more than a quick fleeting second.
I wrote bad angsty schoolgirl poetry
and always sat next to you on the bus.
Can only think that you liked the attention.
I close my eyes so I don't have to see.

4
I close my eyes so I don't have to see
your hands in my hair, your mouth on my lips
surprised by the movement in my own hips.
I never imagined this- you and me.

You were kind of my first discovery
felt like I could give my best friends some tips.
Felt drunk, though I'd just taken a few sips
like I had found a whole new way to be.

You were notorious for doing this.
I wasn't looking for anything more.
We let go of each other happily.
I don't regret our time, that night, our kiss.
It wasn't hard walking you to the door.
You said I entrapped you easily.

5
You said I entrapped you easily
I thought that was the lamest line I'd heard.
We made no sense- a pot head and a nerd,
but I thought I could make you right for me.

I didn't want you, you didn't want me.
For us to be more than friends was absurd.
When you kissed me I couldn't find a word,
there was kind of an electricity.

In the days after things started to change
just for me though, and not for you
closed my eyes, tried not to let anything show.
For a time thought I had you in close range,
think I just wanted something that stayed new.
Held your hand, though I knew nothing would grow.

6
Held your hand, though I knew nothing would grow.
I appreciated the attention.
I shouldn't have acted on the tension,
but in your eyes I had a special glow.

Worried that you saw a higher plateau,
I scrambled to stop my own ascension,
but you anticipated the rejection.
When I said "I don't" you said "I know."

Just the same we stayed in touch through the years
only a little awkward around friends...
it was like it never happened, you know?
I even went shopping with you at Sears,
thought then that our friendship could make amends.
So sure, you thought you had me at hello.

7
So sure, you thought you had me at hello
and then, not so sure- "was it good for you?"
Had to know it wasn't good for me too.
I think you shouldn't have to ask to know.

In terms of smarts, you had me toe to toe
and I would say we had chemistry too,
but when I left I didn't feel blue.
Funny how you can reap less than you sow.

Don't know what kind of a girl you thought I was,
but pretty sure it wasn't who I am.
Who knows, maybe you accused me rightly,
no regard for the what if, or because.
You were only a "wham bam, thank you ma'am-"
came quick, made up by holding me tightly.

8
Came quick, made up by holding me tightly.
Watched the Transformers movie as foreplay
and you left before the first signs of day,
kissed me on the forehead very lightly.

Was self-conscious of my hair- unsightly.
The morning was dark and it was grey,
on my porch, my mistake there on display.
You said you'd call me later, politely.

Lover, I never did regret that night.
I'm not saying I wanted more from you.
Yes, I was happy after the door closed,
remember watching you walk out of sight.
Knew you wouldn't call, didn't want you to.
You made me feel beautifully exposed.

9
You made me feel beautifully exposed
like an open book or reading my palm,
and around you I never could stay calm.
There wasn't a day that I stayed composed.

This floweret, I wrote, my heart enclosed.
Your kiss hit me in the chest like a bomb
then like that, you were over like the prom.
Wondered if my love was misdiagnosed.

I hated you for at least a year
couldn't face that we were only playing.
So mad at myself for letting me fall.
I'm proud and I don't like to shed a tear,
so sometimes I still find myself saying
You didn't mean much, we had fun, that's all.

10
You didn't mean much, we had fun, that's all.
Honestly, you didn't mean anything,
but you were just there, waiting in the wing.
My roommate woke to find you in the hall.

I'd already gone to work at the mall.
I slipped out without saying anything.
You were this silly nineteen year old thing.
I, at 21, too mature to fall.

I was like Mrs. Robinson to you,
and you bragged to my little brother's friend.
Yeah, we had fun, but there wasn't a spark.
I was the envy of high school girls too,
not a pedestal I liked to ascend.
I'd lie to tell you you hit the mark.

11
I'd lie to tell you you hit the mark,
but you did come damn close several times.
We didn't talk at all, we were like mimes,
hiding from the others in the dark.

You put me in drive when I planned to park.
You'd been flirting with women past their primes.
We were there, and things just happen sometimes,
and I know that I was just a checkmark.

Yeah, we didn't exchange information.
Woke up on the other side of the bed,
slipped out of the hotel while you still dozed.
But you were a nice little vacation.
I don't remember anything you said.
I should learn to sleep when the bar is closed.

12
I should learn to sleep when the bar is closed.
Or at least, I should go home by myself,
lock the door and put my needs on a shelf.
Instead, closed the bedroom door, you enclosed.

More than sleep happened. I wasn't opposed
since I drank a bottle of rum myself,
something else I should have left on the shelf
or hidden in locations undisclosed.

We were a mess- all arms and legs and mouth.
I don't even remember who kissed first
but I know my roommate heard through the wall.
My expectation of restraint went south,
and you seemed so practiced and rehearsed.
Yeah, I never expected you to call.

13
Yeah, I never expected you to call...
Saying it now, I know that it's a lie.
I really never thought you'd be that guy,
a big nose, glasses, and you weren't that tall

but conversation made up for it all.
You had me at "Sports Night" like I was high,
even had two drinks that I let you buy
and held your hand so I wouldn't fall.

Those are two things I never do,
but with you that night it just felt so right.
Walking around the North End, through the park,
I could have stayed there the whole night with you.
The sun came up and ended the night.
You sure did look beautiful in the dark.

14
You sure did look beautiful in the dark,
not to say that you didn't in the light.
Didn't plan on taking you home that night.
For the flame, you have to follow the spark.

You were taken by every remark,
never had a girl like me in your sight.
Least that's what you said, though it sounded trite.
I'm an artist, and you a business shark.

It could have never worked, I'm too stubborn.
Stayed up together until the twilight,
you saw something I didn't see in me.
It's not like either of us left lovelorn
but I liked you there under my skylight.
Sometimes the moon can intoxicate me.

15
Sometimes the moon can intoxicate me.
I don't ask for a reprieve I just go,
crawling out of my skin sometimes you know.
I close my eyes so I don't have to see.

You said I entrapped you easily,
held your hand, though I knew nothing would grow.
So sure, you thought you had me at hello.
Came quick, made up by holding me tightly.

You made me feel beautifully exposed.
You didn't mean much, we had fun that's all.
I'd lie to tell you you hit the mark.
I should learn to sleep when the bar is closed.
Yeah, I never expected you to call.
You sure did look beautiful in the dark.